[Akemi / Bow-wow] - Dignity and Impudence (1839)

Emmy | Akemi

Surely this response was what they were looking for. They wanted confusion, guilt, despair, reflection. Akemi hated it. She had done nothing but reflect for most of her life. Was it too much to ask for some rest? Some peace?

The unjust punishment simply infuriated her, and those nagging voices could only repeat the truth she already knew. She had no other choice.

So why did she keep coming back to those whispers?

Akemi stood in the kitchen, keeping careful control over her expressions as she searched for something to keep busy with. It hardly felt like any of this really mattered, anyway.

Her back is to the door as she takes out a teapot and container of tea leaves. The irony of her choice not lost on her.

Bow-wow

Bow-Wow had taken it harder than most who were forgiven likely had. Despite the voices in the back of his mind singing his praises, he felt more certain than ever that what he did was not right. The conflicting feelings were exhausting. He'd been attempting to dodge social interaction as much as possible. He's not sure he could put on the Bow-Wow persona at this point, with how his mind swam and his head ached.

He really hoped the kitchen would be empty. But when he pushed open the door and saw Akemi, he blinked. For a moment, he really considered turning around and leaving. But Akemi deserved him at least saying hello.

"Hi, Miss Akemi!" As much as he was trying, he… didn't quite sound as enthusiastic as he usually did. It seemed that self-forgiveness didn't always come with forgiveness that came from others. His shoulders slumped. "…Sorry. I don't think I got th' energy today."

Emmy | Akemi

Akemi turned at the sound of someone entering, half expecting yet another one of her various angry or dejected prisonmates.

It always felt jarring to see that mask. Akemi was never quite certain how to address Bow-wow, even moreso given his obviously 'off' state.

"Hello, Bow-wow-san. You are under no obligation to pretend to be cheery around anyone, least of all me. You will not hurt my feelings by expressing whatever you feel about our situation."

She fills the teapot with water and sets it to start heating up before perusing the available tea options.

"In fact, I rather prefer it when people are honest with their negativity. Tea?"

Bow-wow

"Ahaha… sorry, sorry, it's… force of habit! Bow-Wow… he ain't a sad character, so it kinda feels weird, y'know…" The young man waves his hand, before sitting himself down, half-leaning off the edge of the chair. "…Yes please, tea would be nice, thank you, Miss Akemi…"

"I suppose…I ain't really takin' it well. I get that…I should probably feel glad I'm forgiven, but… I can't help thinkin' that it's somethin' in my head that's tryin' ta make 'em think I'm innocent." Bow-Wow fidgets with the edge of his mask, kind of peeling at the worn edges.

"Miss Akemi, I did somethin' real bad. What I did killed my brother, an' I dunno if I'll ever forgive myself, even if th' wardens forgive me…" He's staring down at the counter-top. "I started a fight with him. I shoved him, an' he fell. Fell so far there was no way he'd survive. Off a bridge, Miss Akemi…"

He hesitates before reaching up, slowly pulling his mask off. Then, he looks over at her.

"I jus' don't see how I could ever be a good person after I did that… t'my own family…" Perhaps the timing was weird for him to be taking off the mask, but he felt the need to talk as himself for once, not as Bow-Wow. It's a weird, big deal for him… he made such a point of it, but… at least he'd had enough positive encouragement from Vincent and Robert that the concept of removing it wasn't enough to send him into a full meltdown.

Emmy | Akemi

"Do you have a preference of flavor?" She continues, looking at the options with disinterest. She stops when she reaches the mint blend, turning it over in her hands.

You did what you had to. You had no choice.

She turns to look at him more directly, studying his face a little. She didn't have a harsh look of judgment, in fact she showed little expression at all beyond mild surprise as the mask came off.

She listens to the entire confession attentively, trying to put her own thoughts in order all the while.

"To begin with…I truly do not believe the wardens' verdict holds very much validity. You are aware of how unapologetic I have been regarding my crime, yet I was forgiven where those with similar attitudes were not. Mr. McCay has seemed regretful, and yet he was not forgiven. I frankly do not believe for a moment that our verdicts stemmed from anything further than whether or not the wardens liked us and their interpretations of our projections. Given that you have been overall considerate to everyone here, that has likely led to your forgiven outcome. I did not go out of my way to aggravate the wardens, which was apparently enough to earn some kind of good graces."

She sighed a little. Words of comfort were not something she was good at.

"The man I killed was my uncle. My last remaining family." Did Bow-wow think she was a good person? She didn't really care. As far as she was concerned, she wasn't. But perhaps the similarity between their circumstances would give him some pause. "Where we differ is…you clearly regret your actions. I doubt a horrible person would feel such regret."

She paused again, and considered her next words.

"…what caused the argument?"

Bow-wow

"Um… anythin' really? I don't really mind…" Bow-Wow answers softly, his voice taking on a rather notably different cadence to his exaggerated usual one. This Bow-Wow sounded far more like the tired, exasperated food service worker you'd expect. Far more monotone, dry, yet with that timidness that screamed anxiety disorder.

"I did… tell Sie it was an accident- it was an accident… maybe that… swayed them somehow…?" Bow-Wow furrows his brow, seeming rather confused, concerned, even. It was truly a nuance he found difficult to navigate in the best of times- he hadn't ever got to those kinds of emotional aspects of therapy yet…

"I think…I'd like to… be forgiven. In th' eye of the law, an' all, I don't wanna go to jail, but… I probably deserve it." He fidgets with his mask as he places it down on the table, staring down at it. The stupid face stared back at him, and he's unable to stop the twinge of frustration that nags at the back of his mind, as the voice piped up.

'If he hadn't done it, you wouldn't be wearing that stupid thing…'

His fist trembles, and he bites his lip for a moment. He seems… agitated by its presence, all of a sudden, but he re-focuses his attention once Akemi speaks of her own crime. His eyes soften.

"T-Trust me! I regret it more'n anythin'! I ain't ever wanted ta hurt him like that!" But he shuffles his chair a little closer toward Akemi. "I dunno…I feel like ya probably had more reason'n me… I kinda… assume he was a real bad guy, for ya ta not regret doin' it…"

"W-Well, it was…" What caused the argument, huh…? Well, it kinda… felt very much like 'stupid teenage bullshit' at this point, but… "…My brother… he was… a major douchebag. From th'time I met'im when we were like, 10, to th'day he died… he was a terrible brother an' really sucked. Every time I did anythin', he had ta do it too. An' do it way better'n me." He sighed.

"Th' argument started, 'cause he upstaged me when I tried ta try out for the baseball team… Durin' tryouts I tried so hard, an' I'd even kept it a secret that I was even tryin' out, but… he…" Bow-Wow frowned deeply.

"He found out. An' he tried out. An' he took my spot, 'cause I got hit in the face wit' a ball." He gestures to his slightly more closed eye. "I got asked t'be the mascot outta pity. An I was real pissed off. An' he was goin' on 'bout nothin' but the team…an…" He wilts.

"I just… snapped. All I wanted was somethin' where he didn't follow me like a shadow, an' he ruined it."

Emmy | Akemi

Akemi settles for a basic green tea, and sets aside some packets while awaiting the hot water.

"I told Ei before my projection that I was not sorry. I find it strange to 'forgive' a person who does not feel regret. I…have the feeling the standards by which the wardens chose to judge us are not so simple as 'right' and 'wrong.'"

She sighs, a frown on her face.

"He was not a good man. But he was liked by nearly everyone, aside from me. If we are being literal, there are other things I could have done to address his actions."

She looks back at the tea. You did the right thing.

"I believe…it is always possible for a series of cruel actions to push someone too far."

Bow-wow

"I guess it's kinda…" Bow-Wow gestures with both hands, vaguely. "Like if ya don't regret it, if ya had a valid reason, they kinda understand ya pain…" He's no good with any of these deep moral questions, as far as he was concerned, murder was bad. Having positive attachments to a few of these fellow murderers was really challenging his morals on that matter.

"My… everythin' kinda feels stupid compared to the things y'all have been through." Bow-Wow you have actual trauma!!!! "I dunno. But… as soon as I did it… I knew that as much as I hated my brother most of th' time, I guess I kinda got to enjoy what is probably normal for siblings." He shook his head.

"And yet, at every turn he seemed determined ta make me seem like th' stupid brother who was worthless." He shifts a little closer to Akemi, and if not stopped, he kinda leans against her. Just a little.

"I'm sorry ya uncle really sucked. But I'm glad ya ain't gotta put up with him now. F'what it's worth, I think ya deserved to be forgiven."

Emmy | Akemi

Akemi considers that answer. Those sorts of metrics seem so flippant and vague, she doesn't like it.

"And what gives the wardens authority on such a thing? All of this purely comes down to their opinions, having not lived our lives. It isn't right, nor just. Especially if they wield the authority to punish us afterwards and we have no means to resist."

She looks at Bow-wow, brows lowering a little. She thought about what happened in Hikaru's projection, and many other subtle details she had noted about him.

"It is not normal for family to go out of their way to consistently undermine you. It is not normal to be made to feel worthless or unsafe. Family should want you to feel capable and cared for. You…have clearly been through a lot of abnormal things, if I can be frank with you."

She said this firmly. Not that killing them is always the answer. But she's the last person on Earth to think it is unreasonable to lash out after so long.

The teapot began to whistle, prompting her to quickly retrieve it and pour two cups. She set the tea bags into their cups and pushed one toward Bow-wow as she waited for hers to steep.

"Even if I was not forgiven, I am doubtful it would have made much of a difference for me. I certainly would feel angrier, knowing they too took his side, but I did not do what I did with any expectation of coming out of it admired or liked."

She isn't so cruel as to push Bow-wow away, at least. None of this makes any sense, for her. Her gaze lingers on her teacup as she watches the color of the water gradually shift.

"…and for what it is worth, what you did sounds to me more like an emotional outburst that was long overdue, with an unfortunate, and unintended result. It should not have happened, perhaps, but the fault does not lie with you alone."

Bow-wow

"I… well, yeah, I dunno…" He ponders. "Maybe outside'a here they're judges or somethin'… maybe once they judge us fully, they'll get their memories back and it'll be their actual verdict…"

Admittedly, he was finding it hard to really wrap his head around half the things going on in this prison. From the weird magic goings on to the presence of the wardens, and to the… rabbit.

"W-Wha-?!" He sounds startled by Akemi's assessment of his family. It… wasn't normal? It… huh? It so genuinely confused him to hear it that he blinked owlishly at her for a couple of moments. "Well… okay, maybe not- but… my momma was nice! My dad… he never really… uh, tried, I guess? Not until he started takin' me to baseball games…but my brother always got everythin'. Dad actually cared 'bout him…" He squints. "My stepmom tries. But she doesn't treat me th' same as my brother."

As he stares down at his cup, he listens to Akemi intently.

"Y'all are so brave. Comin' out here, sayin' ya don't feel bad for doin' what ya did. An' I feel like a stupid, wimpy teenage boy flyin' by the seat'a his pants, jus' waitin' to crash or somethin'…" He sounds rather crestfallen as he says it, leaning his head against Akemi's arm a little harder.

"T-Thank you, for believin' in me, by th' way. I got… big dreams, really. I was hopin' to move up in th' world and work at the pizza place, but then… 'fore I even got a chance, I killed my chance at it…"

Emmy | Akemi

"Personally, I find it difficult to believe they can give fair judgments with what little these projections show. I would hardly be surprised if someone was wrongly condemned, or wrongly forgiven."

She thinks of Hikaru as she says this, with a frown. Bow-wow clearly wanted to try seeing the best in everyone, while Akemi had learned to do the opposite. This kid was just…too disarming, somehow.

It sounded like a complex group cobbled together as a family. Mother, step-mother, father, a brother he met later in life.

"You must have felt lonely." She assesses. That he was bonding to her of all people screamed that he was lacking in connection. She frowned at being called brave. Something about that word didn't feel right to her. She had never claimed to be righteous, or brave.

"Brave isn't the word I'd use. It is more that I no longer have anything to fear. I don't particularly care whether I am punished or not. That is not what I would call bravery. And you having regret is not what I would call cowardice, either. You're merely a human."

Killed his chance at his dreams, huh? Akemi sighed, twirling the tea bag in her cup. You did what you had to.

"Tell me about those dreams."

Bow-wow

From what Bow-Wow had heard about his own… yeah, it really didn't convey a lot about the actual incident, really… it kind of gave the impression that he could be far more guilty than he was, but equally…

You did nothing wrong. It was just an accident. You were allowed to punish him.

Maybe that was why the wardens had chosen to have faith in him. They could see it was an accident, and that he truly hadn't intended to kill… he thinks back to what others have told him so far- that legally, he probably wouldn't even end up in jail to begin with, and admittedly… it does little to make him feel less apprehensive.

"Y-Yeah, I guess I did… I…" He was so lonely. So very lonely. "I've only ever really had one friend. An' he betrayed me, so…uh…yeah, I'm… pretty lonely, I guess." Bow-Wow feels so pathetic admitting it out loud. That he really did have zero friends back home.

"It ain't that I don't wanna make friends, I jus'… It's hard. Real hard." He fidgets, "Unless I'm wearin' th' mask my hands get all clammy an' I get sweaty an' stumble over my words- then people just think I'm weird." But he liked Akemi. She told things as they were- and not really in a mean way. She was the kind of person he actually felt he could get along with. She wasn't loud and crass like Ellie or Tatsuko, wasn't harsh or bitchy, or even as stern as he'd first expected. "But I…I dunno. Maybe it's easier when I know we all got somethin' in common."

"Now, I think ya mighty brave!" Bow-Wow refutes her words almost instantly. "It ain't really an easy thing to face up to! I think that meetin' whatever comes, even if ya don't really care what the outcome is, is pretty brave."

He's a little surprised to hear Akemi ask him about his dreams, and he can't help but look a little flustered. Oh, this was so embarrassing. Akemi had a big girl job, and he was out here with the most childish dreams ever.

"W-Well…I…" He's stammering more than he has until this point. He feels embarrassed, a discomfort so present that for a moment his hand hovers over the mask on the table. But he hesitates again, and moves his hand away slowly. C'mon, Bow-Wow. You can do it.

"I wanted… to start with gettin' a job at the pizza place- but my main goal…I wanted to go pro. With baseball. I was tryin' really hard, I was hopin' if I got on the team, I could at least show I was actually good at playin' ball… years ago, I wanted to play basketball… but I ain't even really good at either of 'em… not…"

His brow furrows heavily, and he goes quiet. His fingers grip tighter on the edge of the cup, to the point his knuckles turn white. The voice speaks up again, seizing the opportunity.

Say it. You know he's the one who thought you were worthless.

"Not like my brother. He showed me ages ago that all I'm good for is a dead-end fast food job."

Emmy | Akemi

Akemi wears an inscrutable expression as he lays all of this out. She bobs the tea bag in her cup a few more times, furrowing her brow a little. Why did she keep needing to have things in common with these people? Why was she being made to endure all of this?

She wasn't even sure how much she should say. How much she wanted to say. None of this really mattered, after all. Nothing she could say to him would save him, nor her. Nothing she could say would make anything better in the long run. She wasn't a person who made anything better.

"…then it seems you and I have some things in common, beyond just our crimes."

She finally settles to say that much. Elaborating further, out loud, about her lack of close friends was not something she felt keen to do without being prompted. Offering up details about her life, her feelings, that wasn't right. That wasn't useful.

She knew she wasn't a brave person. Strong, perhaps, in some ways. Intelligent. Observant. Not brave. Never brave. She decided it wasn't worth it to argue with Bow-wow on this end, it would only make it seem like she was fishing for compliments. None of this talk suited her, but to speak of any of this aloud would truly not suit her.

So she simply gives a noncommital nod to the affirmation. Let him think she's brave. She can know the truth on her own.

Her face falls at his final statement. The carefully constructed expression she had been wearing faltered.

"…"

A spark of anger, and grief, flashed through her for a moment before she closed her eyes and quickly regained her composure.

"He's wrong."

There was a stern finality and certainty in her tone.

Bow-wow

Bow-Wow fidgets with his cup anxiously, staring into the drink as he spoke. But Akemi admitting they had their experiences with loneliness in common, he looks up, turning his head up to look at her properly. To him, at least, Akemi was plenty likeable. He seemed rather astounded by the fact she didn't have many friends. Truthfully, he really did think exclusively of himself as the one who wouldn't have any friends. Everyone else had to have someone they spent their time with.

"Really?" He asks, a little gentler- as gentle as his somewhat rough Texan accent could be. "That's a real surprise to me! I dunno, I kinda thought ya would have people linin' up ta be friends with ya!" He blinks at her- before realising that perhaps sounded a little harsh, so he adds-

"But we're friends now, aren't we? So I guess we both got one friend!" He hopes they're friends. He's never been good at defining the line between 'we talk sometimes' and 'we're actually friends', so he's very clearly fishing for the confirmation being said out loud. It would at least stop him worrying he's assuming something about their talks.

For a moment, he looks startled by the finality of her tone, until…

He's tearing up a little again. It's the same kind of intense emotion he felt when Vincent spoke to him so nicely, said he believed in him… he releases his cup to give Akemi a quick, very light hug. It's more of a little awkward squeeze, but he's really trying not to be over the top.

"I- T-Thank you, Miss Akemi-!" He stammers out, dodging eye contact, "I wish I could believe ya, but I dunno… I sure suck at everythin' I try to be good at…" Like, the only thing he'd actually consider himself good at is serving hotdogs in a furry costume.

"I ain't exactly got any good grades, so I dunno… it's gonna be hard for me to get a job 'n stuff, but Mr. Vincent said I could try re-takin' classes or somethin'!" That's not quite what he said, but that's… the gist of it. "I was really hopin' to graduate this year, I was actually gonna be graduatin' soon…" He sighs.

"But I kinda got sidetracked 'cause my car broke, 'n then my bike keeps breakin', an'… well…" His brother died, and all that. "Everythin' jus' keeps goin wrong. An' it makes me even more convinced he's like, hauntin' me and makin' things go wrong to prove his point."

Emmy | Akemi

All of this affirmation was truly a lot for Akemi to contend with. She didn't know what to do with it all. And yet, so many people here seemingly liked her. It was a frightening prospect.

"I had…very few opportunities in my youth to connect with others, to put it simply. And for several reasons thereafter, I generally avoided trying to remedy that. In truth, most people I have interacted with outside of this place would say I am cold, abrasive, or frankly a 'bitch.' And, they would be correct, as I made no effort to be much of anything else."

The kindness she had shown recently in here had been a fluke, and she knew it. She wasn't a good person. She pauses and considers the question. It was an admittedly brave thing to ask, and a difficult question to answer-- to consider what you are to another person. To consider what they are to you. Had she made friends here? If so, then it took a murder to achieve such a feat.

"…I suppose we are, yes."

The hug takes her off-guard. She didn't even have much of a moment to react before he had returned to his own space. The surprise from the gesture is apparent on her face, certainly. She quickly takes a sip of her tea, testing its flavor in a bid to maintain some semblance of an acceptable demeanor.

Akemi wondered why it was that his story stuck with her so intensely. They had so few other things in common- finances, family structure, interests, profession, but what few things they did, coupled with his genuine and kind demeanor…he was a lot like someone she knew, once.

What she would have wanted to say to that person?

"The things we have the freedom and passion to pursue are the things we often improve at. It sounds to me like you were not in an environment where you were encouraged to try, nor did you have the means or opportunity to. The ones who made you feel you couldn't do it were not acting for your benefit. They were wrong."