BUBBLE o' BILL

Sylas Grey

Sylas watches this in awe because he's the type of guy who really doesn't mind getting mansplained to. He doesn't even know what mansplaining is. And getting cansplained to? Even better. When the lid pops off he actually applauds. Like, he's applauding this complete stranger in mystery prison for opening a can for him.

"Wow! Great work an' explanation! Oh, uh- nice t'meet ya, Robert. I'm Sylas Grey. Y'can call me Sylas, of course, no need t'be formal. And I wasn't gonna eat the beans outta the can! I was gonna jaffle 'em. Not that there's a jaffle maker in this place, but a bloke can make a jaffle usin' any tools if he's determined enough."

Robert McCay

Robert can't help but preen a little bit at Sylas' compliment.

"Pleasure to meetcha as well, Mr. Grey-- er, I mean Sylas--"

The word "jaffle" throws him for a loop, though. Was it a verb? A noun? If it had anything to do with waffles or Jaffa cakes, then why were there baked beans involved? Why did it need a dedicated device, and how precisely was this man going to do without one… He had a bad feeling about this, but tried not to let it show on his face.

"Well I'll be! I reckon I ain't even heard o' that word afore. Pray tell me, where are y'from? And what on God's green earth is a jaffle?"

He watched as Sylas assembled the ingredients with increasing confusion...

Sylas Grey

Sylas is going to fetch some bread, now. The jaffling begins.

"I'm from the great land down under! Australia! And a jaffle is one of our most fanciest culinary inventions! It's like… a pie, but it's made of bread! And you can put anythin' in it. You can jaffle any occasion. Even sweet jaffles. If I was gonna throw a party, I'd…"

He goes a bit vacant for a moment, before snapping back to reality.

"…heh, I'd make jaffle roulette. Most sweet, some spicy. But this one's just gonna be a regular ol' beans jaffle. The food of the common people."

Robert McCay

"I see…"

Robert could see the bread and the beans, at least. Respectable staple pantry foods. That still didn't answer how the thing stayed put together, presuming one spread the beans between two slices of bread… He briefly imagined one of those "Uncrustables" from the grocery store freezer with a baked bean filling, but the concept was so revolting he almost made a face on the outside. Surely you heat it up, right?

…That bad feeling of his was starting to get worse. Distraction time.

"Australia! All the way on the other side o' the planet, huh? I'm from the USA, uh, California… Folks seem t'be from all over, in this place."

Sylas Grey

It does, in fact, look like Sylas is in the process of making an Uncrustable, using a fork to crimp the edges down.

"Wooow! America! I've never been, but I've seen heaps about it on TV. California's where they keep all the celebrities, right? And… uh… there's something else from California, too… shucks, what do they got there… Oh! They got Mickolas Mouse!! Have you ever met him?!"

Robert McCay

"Er… That's not wrong, I guess? Plenty of normal people live there too, though!"

"And yes, I've met Mr. Mouse once or twice at Disneyland. My partner loves roller coasters-- not me! I stand there holdin' all his stuff, and I take pictures when he comes a-flyin' round the turns, past the sidewalk."

"We…we were supposed t'go next month, actually…"

Robert trailed off awkwardly, watching Sylas finish crimping the edges of the forbidden Uncrustable and trying not to spiral. That thing… still wasn't going to hold together, was it?

Sylas Grey

Behold, the world's stupidest man.

"A partner? Waiiiit, y'do look totally cowboy style- I didn't know you could still have pardners in the year 2025! That's so cool!!! Cowboys are so sick! Giddy up, pardner! Man, America must be amazin'."

Sylas knows that gay people exist, mind. He just got so excited about cowboys that the normal definition of partner slipped out of his small little noggin.

Robert McCay

"Er… I was born in that part a' the country, but I'm… not a cowboy, Sylas. I'm gay."

Robert gestures at himself, as if to say "would a straight man wear THIS?"

"Not that cowboys can't be gay, but-- that's not what's happenin' here. Anyway. Yer-- yer 'jaffle.' Do ya… heat it up or anything?"

Robert hoped the subject change would keep Sylas from getting stuck on the cowboy thing, or this conversation was gonna get even more awkward.

Sylas Grey

"Gay… Right! Right. I see. That's cool too. Like my sister. Funny story, actually-"

The anecdote he was about to tell, which was surely going to be something else telling of Sylas' lack of mental acuity, is thankfully derailed by the jaffle inquisition.

"Oh! Yeah. I'm gonna toast it. Almost done."

Robert McCay

"Toast it… on the stovetop, in a pan, right? Not in… the toaster. Right?"

Sylas Grey

Sylas, who was about to shove it into the toaster, pauses.

"………..Great idea!"

Robert McCay

"Okay thank god."

Baked beans in the toaster crisis averted… for now.

Sighing with relief, Robert set a pan from the cabinet on the stovetop and turned up the burner. Between the two of them, they managed to toast the jaffle without setting anything on fire. It ended up looking and smelling less inedible to Robert than it did before, to be fair… but there was only one of them.

"Tell y'what-- y'can leave the pan and I'm just gonna… make myself a grilled cheese. Nice t'meetcha, though. Thanks fer the, uh-- cultural exchange?"

Sylas Grey

"Sure!"

Vacuous as ever, Sylas doesn't argue against this agreement.

"Nice t'meet ya too, Rob! Thanks for the cultural exchange too! Next time y'should teach me about more American stuff! Like, uhhh… I dunno, what a Buc-ees is or somethin'. Catch ya later!"

[SYLAS EXITS STAGE LEFT, PURSUED BY THE WEIGHT OF HIS CLUELESSNESS]