Plague Rat

Kaoru Naito

After getting an old, dusty toy from the vending machine, Kaoru feels robbed. He can’t even chew on this nasty thing. Combining some to-dos on his list, he walks until he sees Andrew and strides up to him and holds the toy out in his fist. It’s, as described:

Plague Plushie: An adorable little plush of Y. pestis. It has a bit of dust on it and a worn smiley face drawn on the tag in sharpie.

He shakes it cutely.

“Heya Remi, quiz time: the fuck is a pesties? You look like ya’d know.”

Andrew Edgeworth

Frankly, Andrew was surprised that he hadn't run into this man yet. About time he learned how to refer to him by something other than an adjective. He squints at the vandalized plush bacteria in his face, backing up slightly so it isn't shoved into his nose.

"Probably some kind of bacteria, if the tag is accurately labeled. You're better off asking Emily, the blond woman with glasses. The person who actually studies this field."

Kaoru Naito

“Awesome, thanks for the redirect, operator, knew you knew shit ‘round here.”

That gives him the next tree to bark up, perfect. He pulls the toy back and starts tossing it between his two hands while continuing to bark up this one for fun.

“So what the fuck’s yer deal? You actually kill anyone?”

Andrew Edgeworth

"Glad I can live up to the stereotype for you before meeting her organically." Obviously Kaoru was trying to get a rise out of Andrew, but the bluntness was refreshing in its own way. He could do with less personal space invasion, though.

"Yes; not too bothered about your own alleged murder?"

Kaoru Naito

“Aw, is it stereotypin’ to think ya look reliable? Or at least ya got that fly-on-the-wall type of energy.”

He rolls his head to one side with a shrug, catching the doll in one hand to squeeze it like a stress ball. It may or may not make it to Emily in one piece.

“Eh, guess it depends on whatcha mean by bothered—I’m bothered vigilante Jigsaw’s kidnappin’ us to try do some justice shit and ain’t even spelled out their game proper yet. ‘Not forgiven’ as a concept’s pissin’ me off, and I’m gettin’ the weiiird feelin’ they don’t know what a murder is.”

Andrew Edgeworth

"Depends if you think being good at a job is the same thing as being reliable." He half-snorts, idly following the movement of the plush with his eyes. "Well, I certainly see far more than I would like to be privy to."

Then his eyes snap back to Kaoru. "Have you not murdered someone?"

"…that does bother me, how multiple people seem so sure they don't belong here."

Kaoru Naito

“Can’t all be badasses like Captain Ellie, geheheh.”

Something there catches his attention, and he can’t help picking at that like a ball of yarn, a scampering sort of curiosity to his questioning. He tosses the plushie back and forth again, unable to stick to one mode of fidgeting for long.

“Harummrumrum… I didn’t say I don’t—but dya think if we found the right spin on it and decide I did murder someone, then I do belong here? Huh, Stars?”

Andrew Edgeworth

"She's already gotten a crew together, is it? You two do seem like you'd get along."

"…already trying to put words in my mouth." He doesn't sound particularly annoyed, almost playing up the sarcasm. "I can't particularly think of anyone who should be brought here. As for jail in general - maybe. We've only just met. Perhaps a cop-out answer, but for all I know, you shot a serial killer to protect an orphanage."

Kaoru Naito

“Well damn, how’d ya find out? A psychic too? He can do it all!”

He grins, no accusation he’s slinging here too serious. He’s put at ease by Andrew playing along a bit, he gets more annoying when people stay too serious.

“I’ve only seen the half of our squad confessing t’ somethin’, like Ellie and the Undertaker lookin’ bitch. Who’ve you seen sayin’ they don’t belong here?”

Andrew Edgeworth

"Just a bundle of talents in here, apparently." He rolls his eyes in good fun.

Vincent was the first person Andrew thought of at first. His style was, as the kids say, "pretty metal" enough to qualify for the Undertaker label - but "bitch"? Possibly, but not so much. The next best guess could be Akemi, then, given that Andrew could not see any universe that her and this guy would ever get along.

"So far, the…Australian carpenter, Sylas," He decided to be kind with his description of the wombler, "and the Yoshida sisters, who were linked together until the wardens showed up. We can only see with time if they're lying, aren't aware they killed, or truly innocent."

Kaoru Naito

“Oh, fuck, yeaahhh, now that ya got me thinkin’ ‘bout it, I can only imagine Mr. Apple Bottom Pinstripes killin’ someone in like, a kinda kitchen appliance Looney Toon style accident type a’ shit, like electricity n’ bones n’ all.”

He says all these words like everyone should know what he means immediately. Like these are normal things to say.

“So, besides the killin’ shit, what’s yer deal? I’m good as fuck at stereotypes, so you prolly ain’t a real lawyer cause you care ‘bout imaginary orphans, and yer too hot to be a businessman even though,” he just kind of gestures, “but yer like, that type a guy, y’know? Ruleshead thinkermaxxer.”

Andrew Edgeworth

Andrew hated that he could understand every one of those words. Yet for once, he had to really take a moment to think of how to respond. "Before the wardens showed up and we learned that we were specifically here for murder, Robert was rather cagey about any supposed crimes he may have done. Could still be some kind of accident, but being antsy about 'anyone listening' makes me feel otherwise."

It's definitely not like he hated compliments about his appearance, but he'd rather receive them in much less ridiculous contexts. "Yes…my sister-in-law would be the lawyer, I'm just an accountant."

Kaoru Naito

“Accountant! Yeaahh, that feels right. Sick, I needed a motherfucker like you, geheheh! I mean, I wouldn’t ‘a like, paid ya, my ass was broke, but— hey, you’d know, filing taxes for DoorDash is confusing as shit, am I right? No one ever believes me!”

Andrew Edgeworth

"In the incredibly slim chance I make it out of here, I'll note to put you on the long list of people here who've asked me to do their taxes for, then. And then remove you, as you don't plan to compensate me."

Bow-Wow gets two-sauce-high privileges though, so he's the only exception. "…completely unsurprising, it's confusing on purpose."

Kaoru Naito

“Heeeell yeah, fastest I been blacklisted yet!”

He fistpumps! Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ ✨✨✨

“Geheheh… ‘nd yeah, ‘fore you start thinkin’ I’m a genius CEO with a side gig, lil lore drop, I didn’t just DoorDash, I did all that shit, like, I’m GrubHubbin’, I’m Instacartin‘, I’m TaskRabbitin’, I’m basically th’ backbone of society. I’m like, the essential worker. I’m literally that dancer, y’know the…”

He reaches like he wants to grab his phone but realize he can’t immediately. This is a really high mark, he wants to show Andrew memes on his phone. This is how Kaorus act when they’re comfortable, like rabbits laying on their backs and cats slowly blinking.

Instead he raises his arm with a little hop like he’s potentially about to start a dance, but doesn’t actually start, instead just harkening to the first frame of the video.

“Ya know, the video that’s like, this immunocompromised dancer is an essential worker and the sun ’xplodes ‘n shit?”

Andrew Edgeworth

Andrew certainly didn't enjoy his own bout of doing odd jobs to scrape by, all those years ago. Kaoru was certainly one of the last people he expected to be relating to here.

"Do you…need medical attention-?"

Oh God. Oh God, he did know what was being referenced. For a split second, his eyes widened with recognition, but Andrew felt in his soul that he should not let Kaoru know that he does. Bro was looking directly at him, he's cooked-

"…"

Kaoru Naito

Kaoru perks like an excited dog at the recognition. He noticed. He looks positively gleeful.

“Ooohohoho, geehahahah!! I saw that!”

“Nah dog, you know! You know!! You were at th’ sun’s GoFundMe! You can’t act all cool, hehehe, yer a dipshit like me! I can smell it on ya, gehehehehee!”

He’s so excited. This emotion is exactly like dog seeing other dog through window and getting excited, he’s literally bouncing in place. Finally, someone funny. He’s been dying, everyone he thinks he’s about to get along has been too nerdy and awkward or too Australian to know exactly the kind of jokes he knows.

Andrew Edgeworth

Forget being executed for taking lives, this is what makes Andrew's soul leave his body. He half-sighs, half-groans when Kaoru calls it out.

"Unfortunately so, though only by proxy. I am kept up-to-date on a lot of nonsense like this because of my brother, who finds it very amusing to wake me up at odd hours to show me his For You page. At least he usually spams my messages during important meetings, where I can keep him on mute. He got particularly excited about that video because Chicago was mentioned and 'we live there!!'" Finger quotes and all.

Kaoru Naito

That face makes him feel like he’s winning, which is such a good feeling. It also activates some kind of really annoying cutenesss aggression response that makes him want to bring this up forever in whatever subtle way he can think of. Some guys are just so fun to poke and poke and poke and poke and poke! (Even if they’re murderers).

“Yer secret’s safe with meee, Sparkles,” the Stars have evolved as he’s more endeared. His nicknaming logic is a complicated thing, “I won’t let anyone know ya miiiight have TikTok downloaded, gehehehee!“

“Ohhohoh, and he’s a Chicago boy! A Chicago accountant, real swanky!” He says swanky in a way like it is not a word he uses often but feels it fits specifically this sentence. It’s just so swanky. “And he’s got important meetings; it’s so fun, talkin’ t’ a fella in a whole other pay bracket, geheheh.”

Andrew Edgeworth

Andrew feels like someone has dropped a scrappy stray dog into his living room, said "this is yours, now," and then disappeared forever. And the dog is 6'5." And enjoys Gen Alpha brainrot. And the living room is a literal prison. "My capacity for patience is for sure an outlier in my 'tax bracket.'"

"Do you have a name, or am I supposed to come up with a diminutive nickname based off of your appearance as well?"